30-Somethings Need to Break Up With These Toxic Mindsets Immediately
If you want to be hot, happy, and healthy in your 30s, there are some toxic mindsets you’ve gotta break up with, immediately. And I’m not talking about a little mindset tweak here or a little tweak there. I’m talking about full-on breakup energy. Block their number. Delete the contact. Move the fuck on. And never look back again.
Because these mindsets are like bad exes. They drag you down, play on your mind all day, and stop you from living the life you actually deserve to live. So let’s get straight into the mindsets that you need to break up with immediately if you wanna be hotter, happier, and healthier in your 30s.
Mindset #1: I Have to Look a Certain Way to Be Hot
So many of us, especially women, really struggle with this idea that you can only be hot if your body looks a certain way. If you’re a certain size, wear certain clothes, or your skin looks a certain way — then you can be classed as “hot”. But that’s not the case.
Hot is a state of mind. Hot is a state of being.
It’s not about your physical appearance. It’s about feeling attractive, sexy, and comfortable in your own skin. It’s about having the energy of “I am amazing, I look amazing, I feel amazing”, no matter what you look like.
And I get it, we spend so much time on social media, or watching shows like Love Island where everyone looks the same. Those women look hot as fuck. But guess what? You get to look hot too. You don’t have to look like them to feel confident in your body.
How I Built My Body Confidence: More Time Naked
One of the ways I built body confidence after a breakup was simple: I started spending more time naked.
I know it sounds counterintuitive. When you don’t feel confident, being naked feels terrifying. I used to be the person who kept the lights off when changing, avoiding mirrors at all costs.
But the more time you spend naked, looking at your body in the mirror, seeing yourself daily, the more normal it becomes. You stop being shocked by natural changes like cellulite, spots, or veins.
For me, not seeing my body naked for a year during renovations actually disconnected me from my body. Once I started again, I reconnected with myself, practiced gratitude, and reminded myself: You look fucking hot today.
Hot is not about changing your body. Hot is about owning who you are.
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Mindset #2: I’m Behind or Late to Life
The second mindset you’ve got to break up with immediately if you want to be hot, happy, and healthy in your 30s is this whole idea that you’re behind or late to life.
This one comes up for so many of us, especially in our 30s, and honestly, it’s such a bullshit concept. It’s an outdated timeline that’s been handed down from generations where women didn’t have the same choices we do now. Back then, you basically had two options: get married and have kids, or… well, get married and have kids. So of course the milestones were laid out in a neat little path: engagement, marriage, house, babies. Tick, tick, tick.
But we’re not living in that world anymore. We have options. We can build businesses, travel the world, date intentionally, freeze our eggs, get married later, not get married at all, whatever the fuck we want. So why do we still put this insane pressure on ourselves to have hit all those “supposed to” milestones by a certain age?
And let me be super clear: if your dream really is to get married, have children, and be a housewife, there’s nothing wrong with that. That’s a completely valid life choice, and if it lights you up, own it. But what’s not okay is beating yourself up, calling yourself a failure, or believing you’ve messed up your life because you haven’t got those things yet.
That’s the mindset we’re breaking up with here. Because it keeps you from being present, from enjoying what’s in front of you, and from actually thriving in this season of your life.
Comparison makes it worse
And here’s the thing that really ramps this one up: comparison. When you’re scrolling social media and it feels like your feed is just proposal after proposal, pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement, gender reveals, weddings, house keys… it’s no wonder you feel “behind.” When that’s all you’re seeing, of course it looks like everyone else is miles ahead of you.
But take a step back. When you give yourself space from all that noise. Put the phone down, stop doom-scrolling, and actually look at your own life. You’ll realise that you’re not behind. You’re just on a different path.
Your timeline is your own
I like to remind myself: I am not behind. I am on my own timeline. I get to create the standard for my own life.
Your life doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. And honestly? The things you desire — whether that’s the hot husband, the family, the house, the travels, the career, the whatever’s on your vision board — those things are inevitable for you if you keep showing up for them. That’s what I choose to believe.
So if they’re inevitable, what’s the rush? Why are we forcing them on a strict timeline, like they have to happen before you turn 34 or else you’ve failed? That’s nonsense.
I trust that the things I want get to happen for me. I trust my intuition, my gut, my soul, whatever you want to call it. Because I know those things will be in my life at some stage, I don’t feel the same pressure to make them happen right this second.
And that’s such a freeing mindset shift. Instead of panicking about the “when,” you can actually focus on the now.
It’s not just about waiting — it’s about action, too
Now, just to be clear: this isn’t about sitting back and saying, “Well, the universe has it covered, so I’ll just wait here and twiddle my thumbs.” No. You still take action. You still show up for your goals every single day.
But there’s a difference between hustling from a place of desperation aka “I need this right now or else my life is meaningless”, and moving from a place of trust aka “I know it’s mine, so I’m going to enjoy life now while I work toward it.”
That’s how you take the pressure off. That’s how you stop torturing yourself with the idea of being late or behind.
Mindset #3: I’ll Be Happy When…
The third mindset you need to break up with immediately is this sneaky little one: “I’ll be happy when…” You know the drill.
“I’ll be happy when I meet someone.”
“I’ll be happy when I get the ring.”
“I’ll be happy when I buy the house.”
“I’ll be happy when I finally get that promotion.”
“I’ll be happy when I’ve got the kids, or when I’ve hit 30 countries, or when I’ve [insert milestone here].”
This mindset keeps you stuck in waiting energy. It’s like you’ve put your whole life on pause until this external thing happens, and it completely robs you of your joy right now.
When you live in the “I’ll be happy when” mindset, you’re basically saying that happiness is conditional. That joy, peace, gratitude, excitement… those things are only allowed in your life after you’ve ticked the box. Which is such a waste of time, because life is happening right now.
You don’t have to wait to feel happy
Here’s the truth: you can experience happiness and joy every single day, right where you are. It doesn’t have to be big, shiny, or life-changing. It doesn’t mean you’re skipping around singing Disney songs all day long. It could literally be a three-minute moment of joy.
Think about it, that deep breath when you’re outside in nature, that belly laugh with a friend, that first sip of your morning coffee when it hits just right. Those count.
But when you’ve convinced yourself that you’re only “allowed” to be happy after you’ve hit certain milestones, you miss out on all those little daily joys. You don’t let yourself feel good because you’re too busy waiting for the “big thing” to arrive.
You can want more and still enjoy now
Now, let me be clear: this doesn’t mean you stop striving. I’ve got big goals I’m working towards — in business, in relationships, in my lifestyle. And I’m not saying you shouldn’t want those things. Of course you want them. Of course you’re working toward them.
But don’t let the fact you don’t have them yet prevent you from enjoying the chapter of life you’re in right now. You’re allowed to hold both. You can want the future vision and still find ways to feel good in the present.
Ask yourself this: what would make you happy today?
This is one of my favourite ways to break up with the “I’ll be happy when” mindset: I literally ask myself, what tiny little thing could I do today that would make me happy right now?
It could be as simple as:
Watching a show on Netflix
Going for a walk in nature
Catching up with a friend over a drink
Booking a massage
Having an at-home spa night
Buying yourself a cosy jumper (yes, retail therapy absolutely counts)
And you don’t even have to spend money. It could just be putting on your favourite playlist and dancing around your kitchen. The point is: you don’t have to wait for some massive life milestone to let yourself feel good.
Happiness isn’t something you “earn” after you’ve checked the boxes. It’s something you get to access in the everyday moments. Right here, right now.
Mindset #4: Settling for Less Because You’re Scared
The fourth mindset you’ve got to break up with immediately is settling for less because you’re scared. This one can creep in without you even realising it. You convince yourself:
“Well, maybe this is good enough”
“At least he’s nice, even if he doesn’t really treat me the way I want”
“This job is safe, so I shouldn’t risk leaving it”
“I shouldn’t want more, because what if I don’t get it?”
Sound familiar?
It’s that fear-driven voice that says: “Who are you to want more? Who are you to raise your standards? If you let this go, what if nothing better comes along?”
And because of that fear, you end up tolerating things that don’t light you up. You put up with relationships, careers, friendships, even habits that deep down you know aren’t aligned with the life you actually want.
There is so much more available to you when you stop settling.
Fear isn’t a good enough reason
I want you to really sit with this: fear is not a good enough reason to settle.
Being scared of being single isn’t a reason to stay with someone who doesn’t treat you right (Or who treats you well but you’re not attracted to…)
Being scared of leaving your job isn’t a reason to stay in one that drains you every day
Being scared of change isn’t a reason to accept a version of life that makes you miserable
You can be scared and still choose more for yourself.
Choose standards over settling
Breaking up with this mindset is about choosing your standards over your fears. It’s saying:
I’d rather hold out for the relationship that makes me feel loved, seen, and valued than waste years in one that leaves me questioning myself
I’d rather risk going after the career I actually want than spend decades clocking into something that sucks the life out of me
I’d rather trust that what I desire exists than convince myself I should just be grateful for the bare minimum
Because here’s the truth: settling is safe, but it’s also soul-crushing. Standards are scary, but they’re also where the magic is.
Mindset #5: “I Don’t Deserve More”
Who tf said you don’t deserve more?
Seriously. Whose voice is in your head telling you you don’t deserve more love, more money, more travel, more friends, more success, more joy, more laughter, more whatever the fuck it is? Pause and listen. Whose voice is that?
Spoiler: it’s not yours. You weren’t born with that limiting belief. You were born a blank slate — an innocent baby with zero fears, zero negative thoughts, zero “I don’t deserve” nonsense. That voice gets put on you. It’s taught. It’s been handed down, seeded in conversations, reinforced by comparison, by rejection, by the stories you absorbed growing up.
So ask yourself:
Do you really want to keep believing that you don’t deserve more?
Do you want to keep living from that tiny, defensive place that shrinks your life down to what feels “safe” and “acceptable”?
The trick is to brainwash yourself
Here’s something I’ve realised over the past 12+ years: if you can brainwash yourself into believing the negative stories — the “I’m not pretty enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not enough” stuff — then you can absolutely brainwash yourself into believing the good stuff.
Yes, brainwash. Call it whatever you like, rewire, reprogram, repeat better beliefs, but the point is this: repetition changes what your brain accepts as truth. If you keep telling yourself “I don’t deserve more,” your brain will look for proof. It’ll find reasons to confirm that story. But if you deliberately choose to repeat something else, like “I deserve everything on my vision board”, slowly but surely, that becomes the new default.
So instead of listening to the “I don’t deserve more,” start telling yourself:
I deserve the love I want
I deserve the money I dream of
I deserve friends who show up
I deserve joy, peace, and adventure
And yes, this isn’t a magic overnight fix. It’s not like you wake up the next day with a new life just because you say a sentence. You will still have to take action. You will still make mistakes. You will still get disappointed sometimes. Goals shift and change. That’s life. But there’s a radical benefit to deciding to believe better things about yourself: you feel better today. You start to take braver actions from an optimistic, possibility-focused place instead of from scarcity and self-protection.
When you live from the belief that you do deserve more, you show up differently. You ask for raises. You swipe on people who light you up. You put yourself in rooms that scare you a little. You go for the promotion. You travel on your own. You apply for the job you think is “a stretch.” You plan the trip. You put your hand up.
And regardless of whether every single thing on your list happens exactly how you imagined, living from that belief = more joyful days, more bold choices, more momentum.
If you’re worried this sounds delusional, good. I call some of my beliefs “delusional beliefs” on purpose, because I’d rather be delusionally optimistic and actually try, than live small and play it safe. I want to spend my days feeling good, hopeful, and excited. I don’t want to spend them replaying stories that make me feel like I’m not entitled to anything good.
So start small: pick one belief you’ll repeat this week. Say it in the shower. Put it on a sticky note. Make it the first thing you read in the morning. And when that nasty little voice pipes up? Argue back. Be louder. Be funnier. Be more stubborn than your doubts.
You deserve more. Say it until your brain believes it. Then live like it.
Mindset #6: The Perfectionist Mindset
The final belief you need to break up with immediately if you want to be hotter, happier, and healthier in your 30s is the perfectionist mindset.
This is the idea that you need to “have your shit together” before you can do anything. Before you go for the promotion. Before you book the solo trip. Before you sign up for the gym. Before you put yourself on the dating apps. Before you start the business.
It’s that little voice that says, “I can’t start until I’ve got everything in order.”
But here’s the truth: you don’t need things to be perfect before you take action. You can start today. You can learn as you go. You can build confidence along the way. Because confidence doesn’t come from sitting still and waiting, it comes from doing.
And honestly? This whole concept of “having your shit together” isn’t even real. Nobody has their shit together.
The illusion of “having it together”
I’ll give you an example. I have a friend who is absolutely killing it. She runs an award-winning marketing agency. She’s a single mum raising her son. She rents a beautiful home. She’s thriving in so many ways. If you looked at her from the outside, you’d probably think, “Wow, she has everything together.”
But do you know what she tells me? On the days she doesn’t load the dishwasher, she feels like she’s failing.
That’s the thing: you never know the full story. We only see the highlight reel. We don’t see the doubts, the mess, the imperfections behind the curtain. So when you’re comparing yourself to someone who looks like they’ve got it all figured out, remember, they’ve got their own struggles too.
Perfection doesn’t exist
Here’s the bigger truth: there will never be a point in your life where everything is perfect. Because you’re a human living a human experience. Life has ups, downs, boring in-betweens, curveballs, and constant new goals.
Even when you reach a milestone you’ve been chasing for years, what happens? New dreams pop up. New desires appear. A new mountain to climb shows up on the horizon.
So if you’re sitting around waiting for the mythical day when everything will be “perfect” before you take action, you’ll be waiting forever.
Don’t waste your life waiting
Imagine being 80 years old, looking back on your life, and realising you wasted decades waiting for perfection before you did the thing you wanted. That’s the real risk here.
So stop waiting. Do the thing now. If it works, amazing. If it doesn’t work, you’ll learn from it. Either way, you win.
The perfectionist mindset is ruining your 30s. It’s keeping you stuck, paralysed, and second-guessing yourself. And it’s time to break up with it. For good.
Break Up With the BS
So there you have it, 6 mindsets you need to break up with immediately if you want to be hotter, happier, and healthier in your 30s:
Thinking you need to change your body to be “hot”
Believing you’re “behind” or late to life
Living in the “I’ll be happy when…” trap
Settling for less because you’re scared
Telling yourself you don’t deserve more
Getting caught up in the perfectionist mindset
Every single one of these beliefs is holding you back from creating the life you actually want. And here’s the best part: you don’t have to wait. You don’t need permission. You don’t need perfection. You can start breaking up with these mindsets today.
So tell me in the comments: which one are you breaking up with first? And if you’re ready to go deeper, make sure you download the Hot, Happy, Healthy Toolkit – it’s packed with tools to help you embody all of this and step into your most confident 30-something self.
Because your 30s aren’t about playing small, waiting for perfect, or settling for scraps. They’re about raising your standards, owning your worth, and building the life you can’t stop smiling about.
Missed the first part in the Hot, Happy, Healthy series? Catch up here.
Hi, I’m Becka, a single 34 year old who doesn’t have kids and lives at home with her mum, and despite society’s desperate attempts, I don’t feel behind. I’m figuring out my 30s without believing I need to “get my shit together” in order to be successful or seen as valuable.
If you’re done feeling behind or like you’re “not enough,” this is your reminder you’re exactly where you need to be, and we’re in it together. It’s time to make your 30s the hottest, happiest, healthiest decade of your life. Here’s how.
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