How To Get Over A Breakup (Without Closure) In Your 30s
If your breakup ended with a bunch of unanswered questions that are stopping you from living your life and keeping you stuck in the loop of “I wonder what he’s up to now…”, I want you to know this:
You don’t need closure from him
You don’t need to ask him why
You don’t need to send that one last message
What you do need is a no-BS game plan to stop dwelling on what happened and start getting tf over this breakup. And that’s exactly what this blog post is.
Feeling Confused, Angry & Emotionally Drained? You’re Not Alone.
Right now, you’re probably feeling confused about what just happened, emotionally exhausted from replaying the moment you two ended things in your mind, and low-key full of rage around what wasn't working in the relationship, what you two both could’ve done to "maybe" save the relationship, and you’re worn out from the back + forth around the end decision, knowing how "good" things were at one point.
That’s normal. But staying in this cycle isn’t helping you move forward. It’s time to bounce the fuck back.
Ready to rebuild as the hottest, happiest, healthiest version of yourself? Grab your free toolkit below:
Closure Isn’t Coming From Him (And It Doesn’t Need To)
I know you want to understand if the relationship ending (whether it was mutual or not) was the right decision and trust me, I get that you believe you need closure in order to move on, but the longer you cling to this "need to understand," the more time you’ll spend dwelling on something that’s happened and the less time you’ll be spending on living your life.
Wouldn’t you rather start looking towards the future? Wouldn’t you prefer to be in control of your life? Wouldn’t it feel better to be the one with the power?
At 21, a whirlwind romance with the boy I thought would be my husband ended after just 3 months. I’d talked marriage, mortgages and mum life with this man, but after seeing his ex on a night out, he decided to get back with her.
This was the first time I’d ever experienced true heartbreak: the kind that means you can’t eat, sleep or breath. After ending things, he cut contact and going from speaking all day every day to nothing at all was torturous.
I was convinced I needed closure from him but I never got it. It took me a good 3-4 years to actually get over that breakup.
At 29, my 5 year relationship ended over a Facebook messenger call and I didn’t see it coming AT. ALL.
We were planning to move to Bali together (somewhere I’d been dying to go since the first time I saw Eat. Pray. Love) and I dreamed of entering my 30s with an engagement ring on my finger.
Although I never received the closure I wanted, this time things were different because I didn’t cling to the idea that I needed it to move on.
I was in control of my healing. I had the power to process at my own pace and begin to rebuild myself. Closure (or lack of) wasn’t going to get in my way.
The result? Being at peace with the breakup in a shorter time span, despite the relationship lasting for longer and me being more emotionally connected to this one.
But enough about me, here’s how you actually begin to move on with your life without needing clarity or closure from your ex:
Step 1: Stop Stalking, Start Reclaiming Your Power
Instead of scrolling back through your camera roll, re-reading all your messages and stalking them for hours on Instagram trying to work out whether he liked that picture of the girl in the bikini because he knows her, here’s what I’d tell you to do instead to get over your ex:
Unfollow him on socials so you can’t see what he’s posting (or at the bare minimum snooze him…)
Every time you feel the urge to stare at all the photos of the two of you, challenge yourself to find something empowering to do: go for a walk, have a bath, scream into a pillow, ring a friend, listen to a podcast, take yourself on a date
Write a letter to your ex with all the things you want to say to him, visualise yourself saying those things then tear the letter up and throw it away (you need to get this out of you but you don’t need to say it to him)
Instead of clinging to the rose-tinted memories where you were both loved up and happy af, tune into all the bad times as a reminder that you actually deserve better (just don’t do this to the point where you beat yourself up for “not realising this sooner”. As Elsa says, “the past is the past”)
Create yourself a playlist on Spotify and fill it with songs that instantly make you feel good (NO heartbreak ballads allowed) and name it something like “Fuck Your Ex” - you can steal mine if you want
Step 2: Release The Past
Instead of using “closure” as another reason to message them in the hopes they’ll change their mind, or your ego hoping their life has been utter shite without you, here’s what I’d tell you to do instead to release the past and switch your focus to the future:
Change their name in your phone to something that stops you from messaging them i.e. “DO NOT MESSAGE HIM” or “I DESERVE MORE THAN HIM”
Write a list of all the things you’re choosing to let go of so you can move forward in life: This could be physical objects, certain emotions or feelings, or types of behaviour that you want to stop doing
Choose a minimum of 1-3 things to get rid of to symbolise you letting go of this relationship: This can be hard if the breakup’s still fresh so don’t feel like you have to throw everything away at once
Find a mirror, look yourself in the eyes and repeat “I love you for who you were yesterday, I love you for who you are today and I love you for who you’re going to be tomorrow”
Embrace your single era: Think about all the things you secretly wanted to do when you were in the relationship that you couldn’t do because you knew he wouldn’t like it and get yourself excited about doing those things now
Step 3: Rebuild Your Confidence From The Inside Out
Instead of blaming the way your body may have changed during your relationship for the reason he doesn’t want to be with you anymore or for why you two drifted apart, here’s what I’d tell you to do instead to rebuild your self confidence and fall back in love with yourself:
Write an empowerment list of 50 things you love about yourself (and I know how freakin’ hard this’ll be to start with but keep on going until you reach number 50)
Any time a shitty thought creeps into your head (think: “if I was prettier/hotter/skinnier/curvier/sexier he’d never have left me”) immediately swap it for “I am lovable because I am me. I was enough yesterday, I am enough today and I’ll be enough tomorrow.”
Prioritise your self care, nourish your body with food that makes you feel good on the inside, get dressed in clothes that make you feel hot af, get your hair/nails/lashes done: do whatever you need to do to make you feel good
Stand in front of the mirror naked every day and each time you see your reflection, find 3 things you like about your body (bonus points if you stand in a power pose for an instant boost in confidence)
Don’t rely on external validation from others or wait around for someone else to make you happy, you can start doing this for yourself now
Treat yourself as you would a partner: take yourself on dates, cook yourself a fancy meal, buy yourself flowers, compliment yourself multiple times a day
Step 4: Shift Your Focus From the Past to Your Future
Instead of getting lost in thoughts of the life you thought you were going to have, or praying you’ll do anything to have him change his mind, or even getting lost in The Notebook fantasy of finding each other again even though he’s moved on, here’s what I’d tell you to do instead to get you excited af about your future:
Find evidence that what you want is possible: Think about your friends, family members, celebrities, influencers, anyone who overcame a shocking breakup like you’re experiencing now and how amazing their life is now they’ve come through the other side
Spend time getting clear on what YOU want for your life and then create a vision board as a reminder of the life you’re working towards creating for yourself
Set a timer for 10 minutes and journal from your future self (aka scripting). Imagine you’re fully healed and have fully processed the breakup: What’s the future version of you thinking? How does that version of you behave? How does that version of you feel about yourself and the breakup? Write it in the present tense.
Book a trip, an experience, an activity: it’s no good saying you’re going to do something, actually DO IT. Book something you’ve always wanted to do so you’ve got something exciting to look forward to.
Write a letter from your 80 year old self celebrating the amazing life you’ve been living since this point. Reassure yourself that this breakup was the best thing to ever happen to you and that the relationships that came after it were nothing like this one. Go into as much detail as you can.
It’s Not About Closure. It’s About You.
I know you want to understand if the relationship ending (whether it was mutual or not) was the right decision and trust me, I get that you believe you need closure in order to move on, but the longer you cling to this "need to understand," the more time you’ll spend dwelling on something that’s happened and the less time you’ll be spending on living your life.
Hi, I’m Becka, a single 34 year old who doesn’t have kids and lives at home with her mum, and despite society’s desperate attempts, I don’t feel behind. I’m figuring out my 30s without believing I need to “get my shit together” in order to be successful or seen as valuable.
If you’re done feeling behind or like you’re “not enough,” this is your reminder you’re exactly where you need to be, and we’re in it together. It’s time to make your 30s the hottest, happiest, healthiest decade of your life. Here’s how.
If your breakup ended with a bunch of unanswered questions that are stopping you from living your life and keeping you stuck in the loop of “I wonder what he’s up to now…”, I want you to know this: You don’t need closure from him. You don’t need to ask him why. You don’t need to send that one last message. What you do need is a no-BS game plan to stop dwelling on what happened and start getting tf over this breakup. And that’s exactly what this blog post is.