How To Stop Being Obsessed With Your Toxic Ex
If you’re still thinking about the ex who played games with your emotions, love-bombed the hell out of you, and then casually dipped when it suited him, I see you.
The obsessive scrolling. The over-analysing. The daydreaming about what could’ve been.
The romanticising the version of him you wanted him to be (and ignoring who he showed you he was).
The way your chest sinks every time you hear “your song” or see someone who looks like him.
I know it feels like you're never going to get over it. But you will. And it starts with asking yourself better questions.
Questions that help you see the truth. Questions that remind you of who the hell you are. Questions that raise your standards and rebuild your self-worth so powerfully that you never even entertain the idea of going back if he ever comes crawling back.
Let me show you how I know this works…
The First Boy To Break My Heart
The first boy I ever fell for had me convinced I was the luckiest girl in the world due to 3 months of love bombing, gaslighting, future faking and telling me all the things I wanted to hear…until he decided to get back with his ex after bumping into her on a night out.
It took me YEARS to fully heal from this experience and to get over him completely, despite dating multiple men in between.
I’d obsessively stalk his social media, think about him constantly and replay our short relationship over in my mind, scrolling through photos from our holiday and listening to the cd he’d made me on repeat.
This was 12 years ago, before I was aware of therapy, when Instagram was just a grid feed and the self help industry hadn’t yet exploded in the way it has now.
I wish back then I could’ve accessed tools, tips and techniques to stop the obsessive thoughts and get over him quicker. One of the tools I learned through my Life Coaching certification was ‘Powerful Questions’.
These aren’t just surface level Qs like “what can you do better in future?”, but deep, thought-provoking questions that require you to search your soul, and really connect with your inner voice.
If you’re still obsessing over the gaslighting ex you were in love with, who toyed with your emotions for months, these are the questions I’d ask you to help you get over them. Grab your journal, or sit in quiet reflection with a cup of something soothing and gift yourself this healing moment. You deserve it.
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5 Questions to Help You Forget About Them
1. If your ex had treated someone you love - a friend, a sister, a niece, a daughter - in the same manner they treated you, what supportive advice would you give them to help them heal?
I like to think you wouldn’t encourage their stalking habits or allow them to believe they’re the one who’s lost something here. There’s a good chance the advice you’d give them isn’t what you’re gonna want to hear right now. But trust yourself. What do you need to hear right now to be able to forget about them?
2. Instead of replaying the relationship in your mind, what more empowering moments of your life could you choose to revisit instead?
Let’s replace the rose-tinted, greatest hits reel with something that actually lifts you up. Think about times you were proud, joyful, in your full confident energy. Play those on repeat. Remember how good you were before your ex came into your life and reassure yourself that you can rebuild yourself to an even happier, more confident, more peaceful version now they’ve shown themselves out.
3. What beliefs do you need to break up with in order to move on from this relationship?
Maybe it’s the belief that you’ll never find someone else or that no one will love you like he did. Maybe it’s that you deserved the way he treated you, or that the good moments made up for the times he treated you like shit. Start breaking up with those lies today.
4. What do you need to believe about yourself and your ability to bounce tf back to move on from this relationship?
That you’re resilient? That you are not broken? That you’re on your way to the kind of love that doesn’t play games? Whatever you need to believe to move on, say it to yourself until it sinks in. All day, all night. Brainwash yourself into better, more empowering beliefs.
5. Imagine it’s 5 years in the future, you’re completely over this person and in the loving, healthy relationship you always deserved: what would future you want you to believe about yourself in order for you to reach the place where you could forget they exist?
She wouldn’t want you to believe this was your one shot at ‘true love’. She wouldn’t want you to buy into the narratives that all men are trash and modern dating is horrendous. So what would she want you to believe? Write these beliefs out and use them as your constant reminder that you’ll get through this and an incredible future is waiting for you.
5 Questions to Help You Raise Your Relationship Standards
Moving on isn’t just about forgetting him. It’s about deciding you’ll never settle like that again. Here’s where we start:
1. How did this relationship make you feel about yourself and how does this compare to how you desire your relationships to make you feel about yourself?
Let’s stop glamourising connections that make us feel small. Relationships should expand you, not shrink you. Personally, I’d write this in two columns to make it easier to compare. And hopefully this visual of what you’ve been through will help you see any red flags in future relationships.
2. Based on what’s been modelled for you throughout your life, where are you putting limits on what you deserve from your relationships?
Your parents, your friends, your first boyfriend—maybe they didn’t show you the healthiest love. That doesn’t mean that’s all you get. This is your opportunity to redefine what you deserve and raise your relationship standards.
3. Imagine you’ve chosen to upgrade your sense of self, you’ve increased your self confidence and chosen to set new, more empowering standards for yourself: what behaviours are you no longer available for when it comes to your relationships?
Breadcrumbing? Gaslighting? Mixed signals? Intermittent communication? Splitting the bill? That shit doesn’t belong with the version of you who knows her worth.
4. From now on, when your standards aren’t met, how will you respond?
I’ve gotten a lot better at walking away when things aren’t right for me (thanks to me asking myself the questions I’m asking you…). I no longer drag things out or ‘give them a chance’ just because they’re nice. You might be seen as the villain sometimes but that’s ok.
5. Based on your new, empowering standards, what boundaries will you now put in place for yourself?
Think emotional, physical, mental, energetic. Maybe you block him. Maybe you unfollow his friends. Maybe you stop giving second chances to people who showed you who they are the first time. Remember, your boundaries are there to support you, not to dictate how someone else should live their life.
5 Questions to Help You Rebuild Your Self Worth
This is the healing work that changes everything. No matter how long you were together, a breakup can always impact how we feel about ourselves and our self worth. These questions will help you to start the rebuilding process.
1. Imagine for a second you had a daughter who was going through this exact same thing: what kind, loving, nurturing words would you say to her to remind her what an incredible human being she is?
Write a list of beautiful things you’d say to her then tell those things to yourself. (Bonus points if you do it in front of a mirror). You’re still worthy. Still loveable. Still incredible. He doesn’t get to take that from you.
2. If you believed, without doubt, that you were enough exactly as you are, what stories would you stop telling yourself about what this breakup means about you?
“I wasn’t pretty enough.”
“I was too much.”
“I should’ve been cooler, quieter, more chill.”
No, babe. You were you. And the right person will make you feel like you’re the prize they’ve been searching for their entire life.
3. What do you need to hear from yourself daily to believe that you are worthy and deserving of the loving, healthy relationship you’ve always desired?
Write it. Stick it on your mirror. Whisper it to yourself in the car. Repeat it over and over until it becomes your default thinking.
4. What harmful, hurtful thoughts have you been repeating about yourself that are impacting your self worth, and what could you swap them with instead?
Catch yourself in the spiral. Then pivot. Instead of “He was the best I’ll ever have,” try “He was the lesson I needed to learn so I could meet the man of my dreams.”
5. Think back to the most confident moment of your life so far, a moment where you were fully present, full of joy and content with who you are: what do you need to do to get yourself back to that place?
Maybe it’s scheduling some solo dates. A girls’ night. Therapy. A new lipstick. Journalling. Whatever gets you back to you. FYI: The Hot, Happy, Healthy Toolkit can help with that.
Your future self thanks you
Heartbreak can leave you questioning your worth, but it’s also the biggest invitation to rise higher. These questions aren’t just about forgetting him, they’re about remembering you. Every time you choose truth over fantasy, raise your standards, and rebuild your self-worth, you’re one step closer to the love that won’t play games. Trust me: your future self will thank you.
And when you’re ready to date again, you’ll want to tune into this.
Hi, I’m Becka, a single 34 year old who doesn’t have kids and lives at home with her mum, and despite society’s desperate attempts, I don’t feel behind. I’m figuring out my 30s without believing I need to “get my shit together” in order to be successful or seen as valuable.
If you’re done feeling behind or like you’re “not enough,” this is your reminder you’re exactly where you need to be, and we’re in it together. It’s time to make your 30s the hottest, happiest, healthiest decade of your life. Here’s how.
If you’re still thinking about the ex who played games with your emotions, love-bombed the hell out of you, and then casually dipped when it suited him, I see you. I know it feels like you're never going to get over it. But you will. And it starts with asking yourself better questions. Questions that raise your standards and rebuild your self-worth so powerfully that you never even entertain the idea of going back if he ever comes crawling back. Let me show you how I know this works…