How To Stop Feeling Like A Failure In Your 30s (Single, Childfree, Living With Parents)
If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of a "got a boyfriend yet?" or watched everyone around you tick off life milestones while you’re still getting your shit together, this one’s for you.
I’m 34, single, childfree, and not the least bit ashamed of it. In fact, I’m confident, content, and more in love with life than I’ve ever been. But it wasn’t always this way. Five years ago, if you’d told me I’d still be single in my mid-thirties, I’d have felt like a massive failure.
But here we are: thriving as a single, childfree woman and enjoying all this bonus time I get to spend with my mum.
The Fear of Being Single in Your 30s
When I was approaching 30, I was devastated that my dreams of being engaged by that point in my life had become…impossible. I’d just gone through the worst breakup of my life that left me completely heartbroken. Dating again? Not a chance. I didn’t have it in me. Then, of course, the pandemic hit, and everything slowed down. Instead of moving to Bali with my ex, like we’d planned, I found myself back living in my childhood home.
Meanwhile, my younger brother got engaged, had a baby, got married, and then had two more kids. From age 30 to 34, his life fast-forwarded. Mine? It looked exactly the same to outsiders. Still single. Still childfree. Still living at home. But what the outsiders don’t see is the self confidence, the inner peace and the love I have for how this chapter of my life looks.
Why I No Longer Feel Behind
29-year-old me would’ve been mortified. She’d have assumed I was failing, convinced I'd missed my chance. She believed all the old-school milestones mattered: mortgage, marriage, mum life. And if you hadn’t hit those by 30, you were officially behind.
But here’s what 34-year-old me knows now: I’m not behind. I’m living a life that’s right for me, not one that was dictated by someone else’s timeline.
Here’s why I can confidently say I feel zero shame about being unmarried and childfree at 34:
1. I Know Who the Fuck I Am
I’ve spent the last five years doing the deep inner work. I’ve built a strong relationship with myself, one that’s rooted in love, acceptance and self-respect. So when someone projects their beliefs onto me, it doesn’t touch the sides. Their timeline? Not mine, not interested.
2. I Trust My Timeline
I genuinely believe my "fairytale" is coming, in whatever form it takes. I’m not concerned about when it shows up. I don’t measure my worth based on a relationship status or a ring. I trust that everything is unfolding as it should, and that trust brings so much peace. Because I’m anchored into the certainty it will happen, I don’t need to worry about the when it’ll happen.
3. I’ve Built a Life I Love
Instead of sitting around waiting for a partner to start living, I built a life I fucking love. One where my days are filled with things that matter to me: working on my business, supporting my clients, spending time with my niece and nephews, dropping in to nan’s for a cup of (herbal) tea and a catch up and lunch with the girls on a random Wednesday afternoon because we can. I never feel like I’m missing out, because I’m busy creating a joyful life and fulfilment on my own terms.
4. I Romanticise Everything
From my morning coffee to solo cinema dates, I’ve learned how to romanticise the shit out of my life. I find joy in the small things and don’t wait for someone else to bring me the big ones. That mindset has made my everyday existence feel rich, abundant and exciting.
5. I’ve Raised My Standards
I’m not just waiting for anyone. I’m waiting for someone who meets me at my level. I’ve done too much work to settle for less. Being single is not a punishment; it’s a choice. One that reflects my commitment to not compromising on what I want. I’d much rather remain single and happy than be in a relationship just so I’m not alone.
6. I Date Myself
I’m not sitting around waiting for someone else to take me out on dates. I go on adventures, take myself to dinner, book the trips and try new experiences. I don’t deny myself the good stuff just because I’m single. I’m not in the energy of waiting for someone else to give me what I desire. I love my own company and I know I deserve the dates I desire just as much as anyone else.
7. I Refuse to Settle
Years ago, I made a promise to myself: never again would I settle in a relationship that wasn’t right for me. Never again would I settle for behaviour that gave me daily anxiety or caused me to shrink into myself for fear they’d abandon me. I will only share my life with someone who adds to it, not someone who fills a void (because spoiler alert, there is no void). Until then? I’m more than happy to be on my own.
You’re Not Behind. You’re the Standard.
The truth is, you can’t be behind in your 30s when The Standard Is You.
You set the pace. You decide the rules. You get to break up with those outdated beliefs that tell you you're behind just because you don't have a ring, a baby, or a mortgage.
And if you’re still clinging to that panic, still measuring your worth by where you "should" be, I want you to know this:
Your next chapter doesn’t start when you finally tick off the milestones. It starts when you stop living for them.
Ready to Stop Feeling Behind?
Inside The Standard Is You, my 12-week group programme for 30-somethings who are done with the shame spiral of being "behind", we go deep into exactly this.
We unlearn all the conditioning, let go of pressure, and rebuild your confidence from the ground up so that you feel powerful AF in the life you’re living — no matter what your relationship status is.
If you’ve been waiting for permission to do life your way, consider this it.
Because when you stop measuring your worth by someone else’s standards?
You finally get to be the standard.
Rebecca Hawkes is a Confidence Coach, content creator & podcaster dedicated to helping you step into your most powerful, unapologetic self so you can finally live your life feeling confident af throughout your 30s and beyond. It’s time for you to raise your standards and become the love of your life so you never settle for “ok” in any area of your life again. Sign up to BTS with Becka for your exclusive pass to my behind-the-scenes mindset shifts, confidence tips and real-life lessons.
As a 30-something, if you’ve ever sat there and thought to yourself “Why do I feel so lost?”, “Everyone else seems to have figured it out.” or “I should know what I want by now.”, this is the episode for you. The truth is you’re not behind, you’re not a failure and you’re definitely not alone.