Why You're Feeling Lost In Your 30s (Change This Now)
This blog post was adapted from the transcript of the podcast episode below. Listen now or read on for the highlights:
As a 30-something, if you’ve ever sat there and thought to yourself “Why do I feel so lost?”, “Everyone else seems to have figured it out.” or “I should know what I want by now.”, this is the episode for you.
The truth is you’re not behind, you’re not a failure and you’re definitely not alone.
You’re stuck in a narrative that’s preventing you from moving forward so today, we’re getting to the root of why you actually feel lost in your 30s, and what you can do about it right now.
1. The biggest lie you’re telling yourself
Let’s start with the biggest lie you’re telling yourself: “I should have my shit together by now.”
That one sentence is ruining the lives of so many people in their 30s because it instantly says “I’m lacking in something and I’m not good enough”.
Based on the narratives that’ve been passed through the generations and are exacerbated by the media, you’ve likely internalised the idea that by 30, you’re supposed to have the relationship, the house, the career, the social life, the skincare routine, the 2.4 kids, the regular holidays, the savings account, all of it.
But the truth is, that “should” is bullshit. This isn’t a story or a narrative you’ve chosen for yourself to help you progress in life, it’s a story you’ve absorbed from society, your upbringing, or social media highlight reels and that story is making you feel lost in your 30s. Like you don’t know what you’re doing or failing at life when everyone else around you seems to be doing so well.
Ask yourself:
Who told you you needed to have it all figured out by your 30s?
Is this timeline something you chose, or something you inherited?
What if your 30s were actually the beginning of your most aligned, expansive chapter?
You’re not behind. You’re just in between: between the person you were told to be… and the person you’re choosing to become.
2. You’re Not Clear On What You Want (Or You’re Ashamed To Want It)
The second reason you may be feeling lost in your 30s is a two parter:
Either you don’t actually know what you want because you’re overwhelmed with all the possible paths you could take or still in the people pleaser mindset where you want to make others happy and proud (i.e. your parents)
Or you do know what you want but you don’t believe you can have it, or you’re allowed to have it and you therefore feel guilty
Maybe you secretly want a big, bold, adventurous life, the kind where you work for yourself, travel the world, fall in love with someone amazing, and feel lit up by everything you do. But then you hear this voice whisper:
“Who do you think you are to want all that?”
“Maybe you should just be realistic.”
“That’s not for people like you.”
And instead of using that vision to fuel you, it makes you feel greedy or ashamed of wanting more than you have. You shame yourself for dreaming too big and not being realistic.
That’s why you feel stuck. Not because you're lost, but because you're afraid to claim what you actually want.
Afraid you’ll be judged by family, friends or strangers on socials. Afraid you’ll claim to want these big dreams and then fail to achieve them. Afraid it makes you greedy or ungrateful to actually desire more for yourself.
What I’ve Noticed About The Moments I Feel Lost
I regularly swing through these phases, often feeling like I don’t know what I’m doing with my life and desiring to go back to my travel days but feeling guilty for wanting to be away from family, and then having dreams so big that little voice goes “you’re never going to live a life like that”.
When this happens, it’s often because of my lifestyle over the previous weeks, and what I mean by that is, I haven’t been sleeping enough, haven’t exercised enough, haven’t prioritised my self care and solo dates, and I’m typically feeling a bit burnt out or exhausted.
When I’m feeling my best, thoughts like that wouldn’t dream of entering my mind. And if even they did, I wouldn’t entertain them for a second. I’d simply laugh them off and carry on with my day.
Kathrin Zenkina of Manifestation Babe says “If it’s desired by you, it’s destined for you”. Whenever the doubt sets in, I repeat that to myself and remind myself of all the incredible experiences I’ve already had in my life that I once believed would never be possible.
Don’t let anyone shame you for your vision. You deserve to live the life you actually desire, not the life other people think you should live.
And don’t forget, we’re allowed to change our minds. I had a chat with my friend and host of The Remote Life Podcast last year about how my vision of freedom has changed since my 20s. I’ll leave it linked so you can listen to that because it’s a helpful conversation to hear when you’re feeling lost in your 30s.
3. You’re stuck in the “I’m lost” identity
The third reason you’re feeling lost in your 30s, is because you’re stuck in the “I’m lost” identity. You’ve adopted that narrative and now it’s something you tell yourself all the time. The more you tell yourself you're lost, the more your brain looks for evidence to prove it.
What you think becomes a belief, and what you believe becomes your reality.
And there’s a difference between acknowledging that’s the way you feel, and using it almost like an excuse:
“Oh I can’t take action because I’m lost”
“I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, so I can’t make any decisions”
“I haven’t got it figured out so I can’t commit to anything”
But what if instead of focusing on feeling lost, you started focusing on the version of you who isn’t lost?
Ask yourself:
What does the “not lost” version of me believe about themselves?
What does their daily routine look like?
What choices do they make regularly?
What do they say yes to?
What do they say to themselves on a daily basis?
What thoughts, behaviours and habits are they entirely unavailable for?
How do they present themselves to the world?
How do they show up for themselves and their vision?
This is exactly what we dive into inside The Standard Is You, because when you start identifying with the version of you who knows their worth, holds their standards, believes in their vision and trust they’re worthy of it all coming true, you no longer feel lost and you no longer get caught up in living a life that was never meant to be yours.
Your identity is something you get to choose
Your identity gets to change and evolve and expand as you move through life. You get to decide who you are, what you want and what you get to have. And from that empowered energy, that’s how you make change. That’s how you take action. That’s how you confidently strive for what you want. And that’s also how you’re able to thrive in the present as you work towards the vision.
So if you’ve been feeling lost in your 30s, here’s your reminder: You’re not behind. You’re just in between.
Between the person you were told to be… and the person you’re choosing to become.
If you’re ready to step into the most confident version of yourself, I’d love to support you inside The Standard Is You, my 12-week programme for 30-somethings who are done settling and ready to raise their standards in every part of life.
Or, if you prefer weekly confidence coaching in the palm of your hand, check out Confident AF: The Membership, it’s your go-to safe space to stay on track with your goals, dream your biggest dreams, rewrite the negative narratives keeping you trapped, and ultimately, it’s your space to feel supported, empowered and encouraged to actually turn those dreams into your reality.
Remember, you’re not lost, you’re just realigning.
And honestly, although it might not feel like it, this is actually an opportunity for you to rebrand your life, reinvent yourself, reconnect with your vision and almost like a fresh chapter to experiment, to chase new goals, to reach new levels of confidence.
When you see feeling lost as an invite to realign yourself and your life, it feels so much more exciting and that energy is what’s gonna fuel you forward.
Rebecca Hawkes is a Confidence Coach, content creator & podcaster dedicated to helping you step into your most powerful, unapologetic self so you can finally live your life feeling confident af throughout your 30s and beyond. It’s time for you to raise your standards and become the love of your life so you never settle for “ok” in any area of your life again. Sign up to BTS with Becka for your exclusive pass to my behind-the-scenes mindset shifts, confidence tips and real-life lessons.
As a 30-something, if you’ve ever sat there and thought to yourself “Why do I feel so lost?”, “Everyone else seems to have figured it out.” or “I should know what I want by now.”, this is the episode for you. The truth is you’re not behind, you’re not a failure and you’re definitely not alone.