How To Actually Remove The Shame Of Being Blindsided By Red Flags In Your 30s

FYI: This blog post was adapted from the transcript of this episode of The Date with Confidence Podcast.

If you've ever found yourself spiralling after missing red flags in dating (especially after all the therapy, solo healing and personal growth work you’ve done) this one's for you. Maybe you’re thinking, “How the fuck did I fall for that?” or “I should’ve known better.” 

You’re not alone, and there definitely isn’t something wrong with you. The truth is, even the most self-aware, spiritually evolved women can still get caught off guard by someone who knows how to play the part.

Because no one really talks about the shame that creeps in after you’ve been blindsided post-healing. When you've spent years raising your standards and learning from past experiences, the shame is strong. You can’t brush it off as being "young and naive" anymore, like you could in your 20s. You feel like you should have known better. 

But here’s the truth: healing doesn’t mean you become invincible to red flags. It means you learn faster and bounce back stronger.

The Shame Spiral: Why It Happens and Why It Sucks

Let’s break down why the shame spiral happens:

• You feel blindsided: You thought things were going well, maybe even better than with your ex

• You formed a connection: And now you’re questioning everything

• You’re self-aware AF: So how the hell did you miss it?

Subtle red flags are often the most dangerous. Think micro-negging disguised as compliments, like, “I prefer natural women who don’t wear makeup”, a comment that seems flattering but subtly makes you question your appearance or choices, or someone pushing your boundaries in the name of being "passionate." It’s manipulative, not romantic.

And when the big red flag finally hits you, the shame kicks in:

• "That wasn’t butterflies, that was my gut trying to warn at me."

• "What does this say about me?"

• "How did I end up back at square one after all the work I’ve done?"

But here’s what I want you to know: This doesn’t undo all the work you’ve done. It's just a plot twist, not the end. Here’s what you’re gonna do to remove the shame of being blindsided by red flags:

Step 1: Challenge Your Inner Narrative

The way you talk to yourself is everything. The words you say to yourself shape your confidence, especially after a dating disappointment.

Check your self-talk:

• Are you saying, "I'm so stupid for falling for that"?

• Or are you saying, "I did the best I could with the information I had at the time"?

If it’s the former, it’s time to reframe. Inside The Confidence Course, we use a process called Switch Your Story to rewire this inner dialogue:

1. Uncover the belief (e.g. "I'm so stupid for letting this happen")

2. Rewrite it (e.g. "Being blindsided was out of my control")

3. Prevent the negative belief from taking over (e.g. confidence rituals, like red lipstick or power songs)

4. Reprogramme it with affirmations (e.g. "I release all shame from my past")
   

Want to hear a more in depth explanation? Listen to this.

Step 2: Talk to Someone Safe

Shame thrives in silence. The moment you speak about what happened, it starts to lose its power.

Find someone who:

• Listens without judgment

• Offers different perspectives

• Reminds you of your worth

This could be a friend, a therapist, or a supportive space like my Confident AF membership. (You get six months of support because let’s be honest, some experiences need more than one pep talk)

Step 3: Find the Lessons

It might feel like a waste of time or a painful detour, but I promise you, there’s gold in the wreckage.

Ask yourself:

• What did this teach me about my boundaries?

• What did I ignore that I won’t next time?

• What feeling did I mislabel (e.g., butterflies vs. gut warnings)?

The guy might not have been "the one," but maybe he was the lesson you needed to finally say: "Never again."

Step 4: Rebuild Your Self Confidence

Confidence doesn’t just bounce back overnight, especially after being blindsided. But it can be rebuilt, with intention.

Start with boundaries:

• Block them on everything. No closure needed. They don’t need to "see what they lost." Bye.

• Energetically cleanse them out of your life. Let the Universe know: we’re done attracting that energy.

Then, double down on the practical and spiritual tools that make you feel like you again:

• Dress in something that makes you feel powerful

• Move your body in ways that remind you of your strength

• Practice daily affirmations that re-centre you in your worth
  

Step 5: Revisit (and Respect) Your Standards

Before your next swipe or date, get crystal clear. What are you actually looking for, and what have you been too quick to excuse?

Having standards is one thing. Honouring them is another.

If you’re too flexible, you’re not respecting yourself. And when you abandon your standards to make a connection work, you’re abandoning you.

Here’s what I recommend:

Create two lists:

• Standards (non-negotiables: respect, emotional availability, aligned goals)

• Expectations (nice-to-haves: same taste in music, loves dogs, etc.)

Use these lists when:

• Swiping on dating apps

• Debriefing after dates

• Feeling unsure about a potential red flag

Your standards are there to protect you, not limit you.

Step 6: Own the Experience, Don’t Let It Own You

You’re not broken. You’re not stupid. You’re not destined to be alone. You’re human.

What happened to you doesn’t define you. How you respond to it does.

So take your power back. Release the shame. Remind yourself of who the fuck you are:

• Someone who refuses to settle

• Someone who learns, adapts, and moves forward

• Someone who deserves more than subtle control and micro-negging disguised as “love”

Final Thoughts: You Deserve Better, and You Know It

Getting blindsided doesn’t make you a failure. It makes you a human being who believed in the potential of someone else. That’s not weakness, that’s heart.

And now you’re armed with:

• A stronger bullshit radar

• Clearer standards

• Unshakable self-worth

So when you’re ready to get back out there, you’ll do it from a place of power, not fear.

And if you need help rebuilding that confidence or navigating your next chapter, come join us in the Confident AF Membership, where you’ll receive instant access to The Confidence Course.

And if you want to guarantee you never settle in any area of your life again, including dating and relationships, check out The Standard Is You.

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Rebecca Hawkes is a Confidence Coach, content creator & podcaster dedicated to helping you step into your most powerful, unapologetic self so you can finally live your life feeling confident af throughout your 30s and beyond. It’s time for you to raise your standards and become the love of your life so you never settle for “ok” in any area of your life again. Sign up to BTS with Becka for your exclusive pass to my behind-the-scenes mindset shifts, confidence tips and real-life lessons.

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