They're Not Better Than You: How To Stop Sibling Comparison In Your 30s
Just because you’ve hit your 30s and haven’t checked off the so-called ‘big milestones’ doesn’t mean you’ve failed. And it definitely doesn’t mean you should have done your 20s differently. If you’re feeling behind because of the life your sibling is living, keep reading.
My Story: When Comparison Made Me Feel Like a Failure
My younger brother—two years younger than me—bought a house at 24, got married at 28, and by 31, he had three children. Meanwhile, I’m 34, single, don’t own a home, and choose to live with my mum. For a long time, I let that comparison eat me alive.
I felt like I should have done everything first—after all, I’m the eldest, right? But here’s what changed everything for me: I realised that we had completely different priorities in our 20s (and still do in our 30s). His focus was stability and family. Mine? Travel, adventure, building my business—freedom was my priority.
Neither path is better than the other. They’re just different.
If you’re stuck in comparison mode, let’s break down the mindset shifts that helped me ditch the shame and feel confident in my own journey.
1. The Lie: “As the Eldest, I Should Have Been First”
For years, I believed I should’ve been the first to get married, have kids, and buy a house. But here’s the thing: I never actually wanted those things in my 20s. So why did I suddenly feel like I had failed in my 30s?
This outdated belief comes from a time when women had one socially acceptable life path: grow up, get married, have kids, be a wife. But times have changed, and we have choices now. The only thing that matters is living authentically. If settling down and starting a family is what you desire, that’s great. If it’s not, that’s great too.
Empowering beliefs to replace it with:
I’m proud of the path I chose and I’m excited for my future
I trust my journey and the experiences I’ve had so far
My worth isn’t tied to the speed at which I achieve things
2. The Lie: “I’m So Behind in Life”
How many times have you told yourself, I’m behind in my 30s, I’m not where I should be, or It’s too late for me? Here’s the truth: It’s impossible to be late for your own destiny.
I truly believe that what’s meant for me will never pass me by. I want the marriage, the family, the home—but I also want to fully embrace this chapter of my life: single, growing my business, prioritising taking care of my family. Because once it’s gone, I’ll never get it back.
If you knew your dream relationship was guaranteed, would you still stress about when it’s coming? Or would you relax and enjoy your present life while it unfolds? Exactly.
3. The Lie: “It’s Too Late for Me”
Your 30s aren’t even midlife! If you live to 90, you’ve barely finished a third of your life. One of my favourite exercises to do if I ever catch myself in that thought of it's too late for me, is to find evidence of older women doing incredible things past the age of their 30s. Proof like:
Nicola Coughlan landing her role in Derry Girls at 31
Oprah starting The Oprah Winfrey Show aged 32
Sofia Vergara landing her role in Modern Family at 37
Chloe Zhao winning an Academy Award for Best Director at 38
Vera Wang launching her design career at 40
Cameron Diaz getting married at 42
Kourtney Kardashian Barker having a baby in her 40s
Viola Davis getting her ‘big film break’ at 43
Trinny Woodall launching Trinny London aged 53
Toni Morrison winning the Pulitzer Prize aged 56
Helen Mirren winning an Oscar at 62
Arianna Huffington founding Thrive Global aged 66
Wally Funk being the oldest woman to go to space at 82
There are so many incredible older women achieving things in their career, getting married later, having babies later, that you don't need to think, I need to do all this now in my early thirties. The truth is, you don’t need to have done those things in your thirties at all.
Surround yourself with inspiration. I curate my social media feed with older women thriving in their 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond. Watching them live their best lives reminds me that there is no rush.
4. The Lie: “They’re Better Than Me”
For years, I believed my brother and friends were better than me because they had houses, marriages, and kids. Meanwhile, I completely disregarded my own achievements—building a business, growing a podcast, travelling the world, and helping hundreds of clients.
The truth? No one is better than you just because they achieved something first. We all have different timelines, and your wins matter too.
To combat this belief, make a list of your accomplishments—big or small. Whenever comparison creeps in, look at your list and remind yourself of how much you’ve already achieved.
5. The Lie: “I Should Have It All Figured Out by Now”
Who says? Society? The media? Your family?
Here’s the truth: No one has it all figured out. Even the people who look like they do are still evolving, growing, and setting new goals. Life is a constant mountain climb—you’ll never reach the top because there will always be another dream to chase.
Instead of pressuring yourself to “have your shit together,” focus on building self-confidence so you trust your journey no matter what.
The three layers of confidence I teach are:
Think Confident: Shift limiting beliefs and reframe negative thoughts
Act Confident: Take bold action, because confidence is built through action
Feel Confident: Use rituals like journaling, meditation, and visualisation to embody confidence daily
Own Your Unique Timeline
Your sibling’s path is their path. Your path is yours. You are not behind. You are not failing. You are exactly where you’re meant to be.
If you’re still feeling stuck in comparison mode, go watch this video where I break down exactly why you don’t need to have your shit together in your 30s—and why believing that lie is ruining your happiness.
Your 30s are yours to define. Make them epic.
Rebecca Hawkes is a Confidence Coach, content creator & podcaster dedicated to helping you step into your most powerful, unapologetic self so you can finally live your life feeling confident af throughout your 30s and beyond. It’s time for you to raise your standards and become the love of your life so you never settle for “ok” in any area of your life again. Sign up to BTS with Becka for your exclusive pass to my behind-the-scenes mindset shifts, confidence tips and real-life lessons.
There’s a version of you out there who already has everything you’re craving. She’s walking into rooms feeling magnetic, grounded, calm, and proud of who she is. She’s not waiting for life to happen, she’s already living it. But here's the thing most people won't tell you: that version of you isn't “out there” in the future. She’s already within you.