How To Stop Hating Your 30s (No More Feeling Behind)
Last week, I had the best day. It started with returning a dress to Tesco, being told my teeth are still perfectly healthy at the dentist, and then hopping on the tube into London where I caught up with a friend I haven't seen for years at a co-working session she was hosting.
Spoiler alert: no work was done (by me).
As I strolled across Tower Bridge in the mid-morning sun, admiring the view of the city across the Thames, I felt such a sense of joy I thought I might burst.
Dodging the groups of tourists taking selfies reminded me how lucky I am to have London on my doorstep (if my doorstep was a 30+ minute commute away...).
Waltzing up to a boujiee af hotel where the cafe was located reminded me how proud I am of 26 year old me who decided to start her own business so she could live her #laptoplifestyle.
Sitting around a table full of digital nomads chatting about their businesses, asking me about mine, reminded me how much I thrive in spaces where I feel seen, accepted, and understood.
Yet, as the talk turned to travel, a longing began to appear.
Old Patterns Resurfaced
I shared tales of where I'd lived and why I'd started my business, and eagerly listened to all the places they'd been in the last few years.
The wanderlust I'd kept locked away for a long time now started to appear and as I sat on the tube home, all I could think about was moving to Mexico. Or Bali. Or Vietnam.
My thoughts were consumed with the beach bars I could work from, the co-living places I could stay at, the community of people like me I could become embedded in.
And for a second, an old pattern began to show.
You see, I've had experiences like this many a time. Moments where I'm reminded that where I'm currently at in life is far a-fucking-way from where I dream of being.
Living in a state of lack
When I returned back to the UK after 16 months abroad, living in Thailand and Australia, I longed to be back on my little Thai island. I craved the beach, my friends, the nightlife, so desperately that it negatively impacted my relationship with my family, who'd all been dying to see me after such a long time apart.
Thoughts of what I'd left, what I was missing, what I no longer had consumed me.
And made me so freaking miserable. I was so focused on making money to leave again that I didn't stop to embrace my time back at home, so when I left again that summer, my relationship with my mum was still strained.
When I moved to Utila in 2017, I found it hard to settle in. I felt my identity was "His Girlfriend" and that I didn't have a friend group of my own. There were no digital nomads, just people who were there to dive or drink, or both.
Instead of embracing this chapter of my life, getting to know the island, choosing to be my own identity outside of my boyfriend, and make an effort to enjoy where I was, I spent my days hustling hard and searching for new places to travel to.
Why Was I So Unhappy?
I was living a life many dreamed of: tropical island? Check. Own boss? Check. Freedom to do what I wanted, when I wanted? Check. Check. Check.
Yet I was so caught up in how it wasn't what I imagined (or Bali, which is where I really wanted to go), that I blocked myself from any potential joy in those first few months, and made myself (and my bf) miserable.
Since moving home in 2019, I've had similar moments where I've looked at my life and realised how far away it is from anything I wanted. Single, no travel (mostly due to the pandemic and then because I knew I only had a couple of years left with Gramps), living with my mum, taking on work to pay the bills instead of following what I really wanted to do...
And at the start, I'd fall into the same pattern I'd always done, which left me feeling like I was behind in life. I'd beat myself up, envy others living the life I wanted and spend my days moping around, almost sulking at not having what I want.
For the past 3 or so years, this has shifted
I decided I wasn't going to sulk or mope about this chapter of my life. I chose to live at home. I chose to be single. I chose to stay in the UK so I wasn't far from Grandad.
How could I continue to "hate my life" when they were the choices I'd made? And they were the choices I wanted to continue making.
Instead of looking at where I was, comparing it to where I wanted to be and then throwing a strop at how far away that future felt like, I started to do these things:
1. Romanticise every aspect of my life
Whether it's making an iced coffee in a clear glass from home as I gaze out at the blue sky in the morning (it's giving Bali vibes), using a gradual tanning moisturiser that makes me think of the sun-kissed skin I had when I lived on an island (minus the actual skin damage), or wearing a bikini under my shirt and jeans...
..Or walking down the street as the confident af #bossbitch who's business is thriving, taking myself on the kind of date my future husband would surprise me with, or turning a simple bubble bath into an hour long, spa like ritual complete with bath salts, candles and a glass of wine..
..It doesn't matter what I'm doing, you can guarantee I'm romanticising the shit out of my every day.
2. Frequently remind myself there’s plenty of time
There's time for me to travel, time for me to meet a husband, time for me to have babies, time for me to hit six figures, time for me to buy a house, time for me to have the "perfect" body, time for me to spend a month in the Maldives...
I'm 34, not 84. I have decades worth of time to do all the things I desire.
3. Plan for the future I desire AND practice gratitude for where I am
Yes, I'm a regular browser of Skyscanner, Trainline and Booking.com. Yes, I have multiple vision boards of pink, pear shaped diamond rings that my future husband will propose with. Yes, I know my children's names and often save parenting posts on Instagram under a folder title "mum goals".
AND I feel gratitude for this chapter of my life.
I'm thankful I spent the final 4 years of Grandad's life with him.
I'm thankful I've been around since my niece and nephews were born, and that I get to spend quality time with them on a weekly basis.
I'm thankful for the extra years I've had with mum and that living together this time around has meant we've built an even deeper bond.
I'm thankful I've had the space and time to heal my heart, and that I've been able to embrace my single years because god knows I'll be married one day and think "fuck I wish I could have some time to myself".
Two things can be true at once: you can truly enjoy where you are at this moment AND you can also be striving for more for yourself.
4. Daydream from a place of excitement, not from a place of lack
This can be really hard. And when I noticed myself slipping into a state of envy on the train, I quickly reminded myself that that isn't how I desire to be.
Daydreams are supposed to be expansive, exciting, encouraging. They're not supposed to leave you feeling deflated, disappointed or distraught about your current sitch.
The second the "lack" sets in, I switch into gratitude mode and focus on all the things I'm obsessed with about my current life.
5. Disconnect from other people’s dream lives
When someone joyfully talks about what they're up to and you see how much they light up when talking about their daily life, it can be easy to start desiring the life they're living.
Trust me, I'm like a sponge.
But getting caught up in someone else's vision is the quickest way to feel like you're behind in your own. This is when I unfollow, switch off socials and ask myself "but what do I really want?"
You’ll stop feeling behind when you become the standard
If you're currently in the phase of hating your life, feeling like you're behind everyone else and spending your days obsessing over where you aren't, The Standard Is You is for you.
Because, when you become the standard for your own life, you'll become so obsessed with the life you're living that you won't even notice your ex just got engaged, or the girl you went to school with just announced her second pregnancy, or your old work colleague just got back from a 3 month sabbatical in South America.
When you become the standard for your own life, you'll realise you're not behind - you never were.
You'll be able to embrace where you are in this very moment AND start working towards the future vision that's currently plastered across your phone screen.
Learn more about the The Standard Is You here.
Don't spend another second trapped in the "behind" narrative or feeling like you hate your life just because you aren't where you desire.
Rebecca Hawkes is a Confidence Coach, content creator & podcaster dedicated to helping you step into your most powerful, unapologetic self so you can finally live your life feeling confident af throughout your 30s and beyond. It’s time for you to raise your standards and become the love of your life so you never settle for “ok” in any area of your life again. Sign up to BTS with Becka for your exclusive pass to my behind-the-scenes mindset shifts, confidence tips and real-life lessons.
There’s a version of you out there who already has everything you’re craving. She’s walking into rooms feeling magnetic, grounded, calm, and proud of who she is. She’s not waiting for life to happen, she’s already living it. But here's the thing most people won't tell you: that version of you isn't “out there” in the future. She’s already within you.