You Need To Start Being The Villain In Your 30s

This blog post was adapted from the transcript of the podcast episode below. Listen now or read on for the highlights:

You Need To Know Being The Villain Isn't A Bad Thing

Being the villain in your thirties doesn’t mean you’re evil. It doesn’t mean you’re out here intentionally hurting people or being rude for the sake of it.

What it really means is this: you’re finally prioritising your needs, speaking up for yourself, and refusing to settle into a life that doesn’t make you happy.

That’s the shift that happens in your 30s: you stop living for everyone else’s approval and start owning your standards. And yes, that might make you the “villain” in someone else’s story. But the truth? That’s not your problem.

If you’ve been people-pleasing, settling, or staying quiet when you should have spoken up, this is your reminder: it’s okay to step into your so-called villain era. Let me explain.

The Spa Story That Sparked My Villain Era

Last year, I had arguably the worst spa experience of my life.

I’d booked a 30-minute massage. After being called late to the room by the massage therapist, I still believed I’d get the full 30 minutes that I paid for. But when I checked my phone afterwards, I realised I’d only had around 16 minutes.

When I politely pointed this out, the therapist said, “Yes, but we started late. You were booked into that specific time slot, so that’s all you get.”

I explained, calmly, that it wasn’t my fault I’d been collected late. I should have still received my full treatment. Instead, I was told they were busy, and that was just how it was.

Here’s the thing: in my younger years, I would never have even spoken up. I would’ve walked away annoyed, telling myself not to make a fuss. But I’ve worked hard over the last few years to advocate for myself, and in this scenario, I knew I was right.

The conversation escalated. She became aggressive, blamed me for delaying my friend’s appointment, and even told me I was “ungrateful” for not thanking her for fitting me in, despite them being busy. To her, I was the difficult customer. The villain.

But I wasn’t rude. I wasn’t shouting. I wasn’t aggressive. I was calm, polite, and confident. I simply spoke up for myself.

And that’s the lesson: sometimes, being the villain just means not accepting less than you deserve.

What Being the Villain actually Means

Let me be clear: being the villain doesn’t mean being an arsehole.

It doesn’t mean you’re free to say whatever comes into your head, regardless of how much it hurts someone else. It doesn’t mean you get to stomp all over people to get your way.

There’s a big difference between being rude and being firm.

You can be strong in what you’re saying. You can advocate for yourself. You can set boundaries and speak up, all without raising your voice, swearing, or being aggressive.

The truth is, you will be seen as the villain sometimes simply for standing up for yourself. But that’s okay.

Being the Villain when it comes to dating

Here’s another example: let’s say you’re dating someone. They’re nice, you’ve had a few good dates, but there’s no spark. You decide to end things.

To that person, you might be the villain. To their friends, maybe you’re the villain. Because in their eyes, you walked away from a “good” person.

I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been told I was throwing away a perfectly good guy when I ended things that weren’t right for me. But here’s the truth: if I stayed just to avoid being the villain, I’d be settling. I’d be making myself miserable just to keep someone else happy.

And that’s not the life I’m here to live.

So yes, sometimes choosing yourself makes you the villain. But the alternative? Playing the victim in your own life because you didn’t want to upset anyone. That’s not a win.

Signs You’re in Your Villain Era in Your 30s

Your thirties are the decade you stop living for other people’s approval. Being the villain can take a lot of different forms, and none of them are about being cruel. They’re about choosing yourself.

Here’s what being the villain can look like:

• Saying no to things you don’t want to do

• Setting boundaries that other people don’t like

• Refusing to settle in friendships, relationships, or careers

• Walking away from connections that drain you

• Asking for the refund when you didn’t get what you paid for

• Saying what’s really on your mind, not just what you think someone wants to hear
  

Notice how all of those things are about self-respect? None of them are about tearing other people down.

Why People Will Resist Your Boundaries

If you’ve always been the “yes” person, people won’t like it when you start saying no. They won’t like it when you stop bending over backwards. They won’t like it when you start enforcing boundaries.

Because here’s the thing, your “yes” has been benefiting them. And when you take that away, you will be painted as the villain.

But how other people respond to your boundaries is not your concern.

If someone sees you as selfish, difficult, or ungrateful just because you stood up for yourself, that says more about them than it does about you.

Why Your 30s Are the Perfect Time to Embrace Your Villain Era

My guess is you spent a lot of your twenties saying yes when you meant no. You spent years ignoring your boundaries, people-pleasing, and maybe even settling for relationships or jobs that didn’t light you up. You cared so much about being “likeable” that you forgot to check in on your own happiness.

But your 30s? This is your time to stop apologising for wanting more. It’s the time to:

• Own your standards

• Speak up for yourself without guilt

• Refuse to settle in love, career, finances, and friendships

• Put your happiness at the top of your priority list

Because the truth is, the only person who has to live with your choices is you.

Your Villain Era Is Really Your Freedom Era

Being the villain in your thirties doesn’t mean you’re cruel, selfish, or unkind. It means you’re finally living life on your own terms.

Some people won’t like it. Some people will misunderstand it. And that’s okay.

You’re not here to live for anyone else’s comfort. You’re here to create a life you love. And if that makes you the villain in someone else’s story? So be it.

Because you’re not really stepping into your villain era, you’re stepping into your freedom era.

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Hi, I’m Becka, a single 34 year old who doesn’t have kids and lives at home with her mum, and despite society’s desperate attempts, I don’t feel behind. I’m figuring out my 30s without believing I need to “get my shit together” in order to be successful or seen as valuable.

If you’re done feeling behind or like you’re “not enough,” this is your reminder you’re exactly where you need to be, and we’re in it together. Get a front row seat to how I’m building a confident life in my 30s (and how you can too) here.

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