"I've Lost All Confidence In Myself": Here's What You Need To Do Now
“I’ve lost all confidence in myself.” If that thought has been on repeat in your head lately, know you’re not alone. And know that just because you’ve lost it, doesn’t mean you can’t get it back.
I know exactly what it feels like to wake up one day and wonder where tf your confidence has gone. There’s been many moments in my life where I’ve felt like my self esteem has hit rock bottom and I don’t have an ounce of self confidence left.
It happened at 29 when my five-year relationship ended right before I was supposed to move to Bali with my partner. I’d spent months planning that next chapter of my life. I was finally moving to the place that’d been on my vision board since I first listened to Eat, Pray, Love on Audible. But in an instant, the dream was gone.
Suddenly I wasn’t just heartbroken, I was questioning everything about who I was, what I had to offer, and how I could’ve missed the signs that the guy I thought I was going to marry didn’t see me as ‘The One’.
But here’s the thing about confidence: it isn’t something you either have or don’t have. It’s something you build. And even when you feel like you’ve lost it completely, you can rebuild it. Step by step, day by day, choice by choice.
This is for you if you’re in that place right now: the place where you feel stuck, powerless, and maybe even ashamed for not being “further along.” I’m going to share the exact mindset shifts and practices that helped me climb out of rock bottom and back into my own power. By the end, you’ll not only feel lighter and more hopeful, but you’ll have a simple action plan to start rebuilding your confidence today.
Hitting Rock Bottom: The Only Way Is Up
Rock bottom doesn’t always come from one big blow. Sometimes it’s a huge event like an unexpected breakup, being made redundant or having your best friend of two decades ghost you. Sometimes it’s a series of losses, one after another, until you’re sitting there wondering who you even are anymore. My confidence wasn’t just cracked, it had shattered into a bajillion tiny pieces (along with my heart).
As brutal as rock bottom feels, it forces you to face the truth of where you’re at. And as much as it hurts, that truth is actually the beginning of rebuilding.
Because once you’re at the bottom, the only way is up. You don’t need to leap to the top overnight. You don’t need to have the entire plan figured out. You just need one thing: the willingness to take the next step.
Looking back now, I can see that those moments where I felt I had nothing left actually gave me the starting point I needed to rebuild my confidence from the ground up. They showed me what wasn’t working, where I’d been outsourcing my self-worth to relationships, jobs, or friendships, and where I had to finally start showing up for myself instead.
(Btw, if you want a more in depth resource with even more tools & techniques, check out The Confidence Course)
Why Confidence Feels Lost (But Isn’t Gone Forever)
I know it can feel like confidence is something you were born with, and once it’s gone, it's gone for good. But the truth is, confidence isn’t a fixed trait. It’s something you build, nurture, and strengthen. And science backs that up.
In social psychology, one concept that captures this well is shattered assumptions theory. It suggests that traumatic or painful events, like heartbreaks, betrayals, or professional letdowns, can shake the foundations of your belief in yourself, your world, and your ability to trust your own path. What felt stable suddenly doesn’t, and your confidence in yourself and the world starts to crack.
But here’s the encouraging part: those cracks are the very places where rebuilding begins. Like a Phoenix, you can rise from the ashes.
Your confidence isn’t lost forever, it’s been waiting for you to rebuild it, brick by brick. And that’s exactly what we’ll do together in the next sections with actionable strategies and mindset shifts. These are tools and techniques I’ve repeatedly used to help me:
Bounce back from blindsiding breakups that’ve left me broken hearted and questioning who I am
Go from being too afraid to leave the house, crippled with anxiety, to backpacking solo around the world
Ask for promotions and pay rises (and get them), and quit my 9 to 5 to start my own businesses
Walk away from toxic work environments, stand up for myself and challenge bosses who treated me poorly
Take Things Day by Day (Stop Trying to Fix It All Overnight)
One of the biggest mistakes I made when I felt like I’d lost all confidence was thinking I had to fix everything at once. My brain went straight into overdrive: I need to heal from the breakup, keep my business going through the heartbreak, make new friends, figure out where I’m going to live, sort out my entire life, like, yesterday.
No wonder I felt completely paralysed. When you put that much pressure on yourself, confidence doesn’t stand a chance. You’re so focused on the mountain that you forget the only way to climb it is step by step.
The truth is, confidence isn’t rebuilt overnight. (God, wouldn’t that be incredible). It’s rebuilt day by day, moment by moment. It’s rebuilt in the choices you make and the actions you take.
For me, that looked like taking some of the pressure off. Instead of asking myself, “How do I rebuild my whole life?” I asked, “What’s one small thing I can do today that my future self will thank me for?”
Some days it was as simple as going for a walk, journalling for 10 minutes, or having an honest conversation with a friend. Other days it was setting up a dating profile for the first time in my life or saying yes to an actual date. The point is, I didn’t need to have the big picture figured out. I just needed to take the next step.
Here’s the thing: those small steps compound. Just like how losing confidence doesn’t happen in one single moment, rebuilding confidence comes from stacking tiny wins over time until suddenly, you realise you’re no longer the same person who hit rock bottom.
So if you’re in that place of “I’ve lost all confidence in myself,” stop looking for the overnight transformation. Ask yourself instead: What’s the one thing I can do today to show up for myself? Then do it. That’s where the magic starts.
And if you need help defining your future identity, check out The Hot, Happy, Healthy Toolkit.
How to Rebuild Confidence From Scratch
When people say they want to feel confident, what they usually mean is: “I want to feel confident all the time.” But here’s the truth, nobody feels 100% confident, 100% of the time. Not even the people who look like they’ve got their shit together.
That’s where The 90/90 Mindset Concept comes in. In total, there are three core principles of The 90/90 Mindset Concept. These are:
The goal is to become 90% confident, 90% of the time
You only need 90 seconds of confidence to change your life
There are 3 layers of confidence you need to actively work on building
The Confidence Course is built on The 90/90 Mindset Concept and dives much deeper than we can in this article. So for now, I’ll give you a quick overview of the concept itself before we dive into the practical strategies you can use to rebuild your confidence.
Core principle #1 - The goal is to become 90% confident, 90% of the time
Instead of chasing an impossible standard of never doubting yourself, The 90/90 Mindset Concept is about becoming 90% confident, 90% of the time. It’s about raising your baseline so that confidence becomes your default state, even if there are still moments where you wobble.
Because confidence isn’t the absence of doubt. It’s the ability to keep moving despite the doubt. Even the most confident people in the world face moments of self-doubt, imposter syndrome and a lack of confidence.
Core principle #2 - You only need 90 seconds of confidence to change your life
A common misconception is you need to be confident all the time, working your way to a place where you can take brave action or make a daring decision. Not with The 90/90 Mindset Concept. The truth is, you only need 90 seconds.
In 90 seconds you have the ability to make a decision that could transform your life. The decision to:
Ask for a payrise/apply for a promotion
Drag yourself out of bed and into the shower
Book the trip that’s been on your vision board for years
Go for a walk outside instead of watching a third episode of Grey’s Anatomy
Say yes to the hot guy on Hinge who just asked you out
End the shituationship that’s stopping you from meeting The One
Sign up for a new class or event that’ll bring you joy
Introduce yourself to someone you haven’t met before
Quit your soul-sucking job to find something better
Post your first reel on Instagram
Stop building it up in your mind that you need to have reached a place of perfection (i.e. a certain level of confidence) before you can go after the thing you want.
Confidence comes from taking action. The more brave things you do, the more confident you’ll feel. Stop waiting for confidence, start creating it.
Core principle #3 - There are 3 layers of confidence you need to actively work on building
These 3 layers of confidence are:
Think Confident
Act Confident
Feel Confident
Let’s dive deeper into those, shall we?
Think Confident (Rewriting Your Inner Narrative)
Your thoughts create the filter through which you experience life. If that filter is clogged with, I’m behind, I’m not good enough, or I always fuck up, then of course you won’t feel confident.
The 90/90 Mindset Concept isn’t about forcing yourself to think positively 24/7. It’s about catching those unhelpful thoughts and choosing ones that keep you anchored in self-belief.
Here’s what this looked like for me when I was rebuilding my confidence after I’d lost it:
Instead of “I can’t get through this kind of heartbreak again” I told myself “I’m strong enough to get myself through this and I know I’ll be ok in the end”
Instead of “I’m not good enough, I’m stupid for believing he loved me” I shifted to “I am worthy, I am deserving and I am enough as I am”
Instead of “I’m such a failure and now I’m behind everyone else” I reframed to “I choose to trust that everything happens for a reason and one day I’ll understand why this had to happen for me”
Were these the perfect reframe? No, there’s no such thing. But I could get myself behind them. The more I repeated them, the more my default inner narrative shifted.
And on my absolute worst days, I sat in the sadness, the pain, the feelings of utter despair, and just allowed it to consume me. In those moments I whispered to myself “this won’t last forever”.
My favourite exercises to shift your inner narrative include:
Mindset Monologues: Instead of spiralling into the negative “what ifs”, you spiral upwards into positive “what ifs”. You play a game with yourself to imagine all the positive scenarios or possibilities that could happen.
Empowerment Lists: Essentially writing a list of things that makes you feel good about yourself. For example - 15 things I love about myself, 25 reasons I deserve to be loved, 10 moments I’ve felt proud of myself in my life.
Repeating Affirmations: No joke, this is what helped me travel the world solo when just a year before I’d been too scared to leave the house. Repeatedly telling yourself the same thing over and over turns a thought into a belief. And what you believe becomes your reality.
Journal Prompts: Using powerful journal prompts can help you deepen your connection with self and can help you increase your self confidence. Building more self awareness helps you to spot patterns or habits that may be feeding your lack of self confidence.
I teach these techniques in depth, including the 4 part Switch Your Story journalling process inside The Confidence Course.
Act Confident (Practical Actions To Build Confidence)
Confidence comes from action, not from waiting until you “feel ready.” Every time you do the thing you were scared of, whether it’s speaking up in a meeting, setting a boundary with a client, or going on a date after heartbreak, you gather evidence that you can handle it.
And that’s how The 90/90 Mindset Concept works in practice: 90% of the time, you’re backing yourself with actions that align with who you want to be.
For me, this looked like:
Saying no to a client who wasn’t respecting my boundaries (even though it felt terrifying)
Pitching myself for opportunities in my business instead of waiting to be “more experienced”
Letting myself be seen online when all I wanted to do was hide
My favourite practical actions for acting confidently include:
Power Pose: Standing in a power pose has been scientifically proven to help you feel more confident in yourself. Shoulders back, head held high, chin up. I’ve just started watching Grey’s Anatomy and was delighted to see this technique referenced in one of the episodes. Before surgery, Amelia Shepherd stands in the Superman pose and talks about how effective it is for bringing instant confidence into your body.
Mirror Work: Stand in front of the mirror in a power pose, look deep into your eyes, smile and say “This is what a confident person looks like. I am capable. I am brave. I can do this.”
Adjusting Your Posture: Different to a power pose, this is about you taking up more space. Stop hunching your shoulders, looking down at the floor, folding your arms - these mannerisms all signify you trying to make yourself smaller. Roll your shoulders back, sit up taller, stand up straighter, face forward, make eye contact. Not only will you feel more confident but you’ll look more confident to other people too.
Lion’s Breath: This is a technique I learned in yoga. Take a deep breath in, stick your tongue out and exhale loudly through your mouth. Repeat three times for an instant confidence boost.
You can also use confidence anchors to help you step into the most confident version of yourself. Maybe it’s a red lipstick, maybe it’s a certain perfume or a piece of jewellery. Something you physically put on that makes you feel your best.
Feel Confident (The Energetics of Confidence)
Not so many people talk about this one. Confidence isn’t just what you think or what you do. It’s also about how you feel energetically. The 90/90 Mindset Concept is about learning to embody confidence in your daily life, even before the external results show up.
When I lost all my confidence, I started using practices like:
EFT/Tapping to remove stagnant energy and anxiety, and support me in rebuilding my sense of self
Breathwork to help release the pain of the heartbreak and allow me to process my emotions
Gong Baths or Sound Healing to repair my heart on a cellular level and leave me feeling peaceful (however temporary)
I’m also a big fan of visualisation as I find this a powerful tool for conjuring up feelings of confidence on a daily basis. You can find my free 5 minute confidence visualisation inside The Confidence Kit.
Why The 90/90 Mindset Concept Works
The 90/90 Mindset Concept is realistic. You don’t need to be perfect. You don’t need to eliminate all self-doubt. You just need to hit a point where most of the time, most of the days, you’re thinking, acting, and feeling from a place of confidence.
Even when the other 10% creeps in (aka the fear, the doubt, the imposter syndrome) it doesn’t define you anymore. It’s just background noise that’ll have the ability to turn down.
And here’s the truth: once you hit that 90% baseline, your life looks completely different. You’re no longer making decisions from fear, you’re not outsourcing your self-worth, and you’re no longer waiting for external validation to tell you you’re good enough. You just know it, and you live from that place.
simple Practices That Actually Work to rebuild your confidence
Rebuilding confidence isn’t about grand gestures or waiting for some massive life event to change everything. It’s built in the everyday choices, the small practices that compound over time.
Here are some practical, confidence-boosting habits you can start today:
1. Tune inwards First thing
Instead of scrolling on socials, push play on the 5 minute confidence visualisation found in The Confidence Kit.
Not into visualisation? Ask yourself these two simple questions instead:
How do I want to feel today?
What one thing can I do to feel that way?
Choosing a single word (calm, focused, magnetic, grounded) helps you anchor into the energy you want to live in for the day. It gives you something to pull yourself back towards throughout the day.
Alternatively, choose a song that makes you feel good about yourself and play it every morning when you wake up.
2. Micro-Wins List
At the end of the day, reflect on 3 things you did well. They don’t need to be big: replying to an email, cooking a healthy meal, or unloading the dishwasher all count.
This trains your brain to notice evidence that you’re showing up for yourself, which is the foundation of self-trust and confidence.
3. Move Your Body (Energy Shift)
Confidence is as much about how you feel in your body as it is about what you think in your head. Movement gets you out of your overthinking spiral and into your body.
That could be a walk, dancing in your kitchen, stretching, or hitting the gym. The point isn’t performance, it’s about shifting your energy.
4. Boundaries Audit
Each week, ask yourself:
Where am I saying yes when I want to say no?
Who or what is draining my energy right now?
Confidence grows when you protect your time and energy. Start small: say no to one thing this week that doesn’t align and notice how good it actually feels to choose yourself.
5. Mirror Pep-Talk
It might feel awkward at first, but try it: look yourself in the eye in the mirror and say something encouraging, like:
“I’m proud of you for showing up for yourself”
“You’re capable of handling anything life throws at you”
Your brain believes repetition. Over time, this builds a new default inner narrative that feels empowering instead of critical.
6. Dress For the Energy You Want
This isn’t about dressing up for anyone else, it’s about putting on clothes that make you feel good. Even on work-from-home days, choosing an outfit that makes you feel put-together shifts how you carry yourself. Like to be comfy? Invest in a slightly more well-made tracksuit than the cheapest option out there. The quality of the loungewear will make you feel more elevated yet keep you feeling cosy.
7. The “What’s the One Thing?” Question
When you feel overwhelmed or low, pause and ask: What’s the one small thing I can do right now that my future self will thank me for?
Sometimes it’s sending one email. Sometimes it’s making your bed. Sometimes it’s drinking a glass of water. Sometimes it’s having a nap. Small moves create momentum.
8. Gratitude & Self-Compassion
Before you go to sleep at night, think about:
One thing you’re grateful for today
One way you showed up for yourself
This pairs positivity with self-recognition, building both optimism and self-worth. Some people like to journal but if that’s not you, that’s ok.
Remember: you don’t need to do all of these at once. Pick 1–2 that feel doable and start there. Confidence is built in layers. Tiny practices done regularly create huge shifts over time.
Notice Your Patterns
Here’s the thing about losing confidence: it doesn’t usually happen overnight. It’s the result of repeated patterns that slowly chip away at your sense of self. And the fastest way to start rebuilding is to get curious about those patterns instead of judging yourself for them.
When I look back at times I felt at rock bottom, there were always clues. In my breakup, I realised I’d ignored red flags because I was more in love with him than I was with myself. In business, I’d undercharged and over-delivered for clients because I was so desperate to prove I was good enough. In friendships, I’d held onto people who weren’t treating me well because I was scared of being left out.
Sound familiar? These patterns aren’t failures, they’re information. They show you where your confidence is leaking and where you have the chance to rebuild it stronger.
Here’s how to start noticing your own:
1. Track Your Triggers
Anytime you feel small, anxious, or insecure, write down:
What happened?
Who was involved?
How did I feel?
Over time, you’ll see themes. Maybe it’s always around a certain person, or maybe it’s when you say yes to things you don’t actually want to do. No judgement, just awareness.
2. Spot the “Not Enough” Story
Most confidence crashes come back to a core story of “I’m not enough.” Not successful enough, not attractive enough, not far enough ahead. Notice where that story is loudest for you: relationships, career, money, your body.
Once you spot it, you can challenge it. Ask yourself: Is this a fact or is it a story I’ve adopted? It’s only a fact if it’s true for everyone in the world and there’s no other possible option. Stories can always be rewritten so if you notice it’s a story, you can make the decision to change it.
3. Look at the Company You Keep
Energy is contagious. If you’re surrounded by people who criticise, compete, or drain you, your confidence will naturally take a hit. On the other hand, spending time with people who celebrate you (and themselves) will elevate you.
Audit your circle: who makes you feel bigger, and who makes you shrink?
4. Notice Where You Self-Sabotage
Confidence isn’t just about what others do, it’s also about how you treat yourself. Do you ghost opportunities because you’re scared of failing? Do you avoid dating apps because you’ve convinced yourself it’s pointless? Do you procrastinate on your goals and then beat yourself up for not being further along?
Recognising these patterns doesn’t mean shaming yourself. It means you finally see where change is possible.
Your patterns aren’t proof you’ve failed. They’re your roadmap. They show you exactly where to focus your energy so you can stop leaking confidence and start building it back.
You’re Not Broken, You’re Rebuilding
If you’ve been thinking, “I’ve lost all confidence in myself,” I want you to pause and take a breath. That’s not the end of your story. It’s the starting point of something far stronger, wiser, and more resilient.
Confidence isn’t something you magically get overnight. It’s built through consistent choices: how you think, how you act, and how you carry your energy. It’s noticing the patterns that have been holding you back, and consciously deciding to show up differently, even in small ways.
You’ve seen my story: heartbreak, business struggles, friendships that didn’t last. I’ve been there. And I promise you, if you follow these steps, if you commit to showing up for yourself, you will feel the shift. You’ll rebuild trust with yourself, reclaim your sense of worth, and start living in alignment with the standards you deserve. One of the best ways to reconnect with yourself is to start taking yourself on a date.
This is your permission slip: start small, take it day by day, and celebrate each tiny win. You’re not failing, you’re practicing. You’re not broken, you’re rebuilding. And with every single action, thought, and energetic choice, you’re proving to yourself that you can be confident again, maybe even more confident than you’ve ever been….
Now it’s your turn. Pick one small thing today — one thought to shift, one action to take, or one energetic practice — and do it. The momentum starts there. Your goal is to become 90% confident, 90% of the time. And everything else will fall into place.
When you’re ready to dive even deeper, The Confidence Course is waiting for you.
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Hi, I’m Becka, a single 34 year old who doesn’t have kids and lives at home with her mum, and despite society’s desperate attempts, I don’t feel behind. I’m figuring out my 30s without believing I need to “get my shit together” in order to be successful or seen as valuable.
If you’re done feeling behind or like you’re “not enough,” this is your reminder you’re exactly where you need to be, and we’re in it together. It’s time to make your 30s the hottest, happiest, healthiest decade of your life. Here’s how.
“I’ve lost all confidence in myself.” If that thought has been on repeat in your head lately, know you’re not alone. And know that just because you’ve lost it, doesn’t mean you can’t get it back. I know exactly what it feels like to wake up one day and wonder where tf your confidence has gone. There’s been many moments in my life where I’ve felt like my self esteem has hit rock bottom and I don’t have an ounce of self confidence left.