What Happened On The Hot Girl Walk I Wanted To Avoid
I woke up four times last night. Maybe five. The third time was around 4:40am, and by 5:34am, I was still awake, moving from thought to thought, problem to problem, idea to idea. Things I didn’t need to be thinking about at that ridiculous hour.
Then I must have dozed off because I woke up again at 6:23am. And in those brief pockets of sleep? The dreams were fucking wild.
I’m normally a vivid dreamer anyway, especially around my period, but the last few weeks have been exhausting. According to astrologer Francesca Oddie, this is all thanks to Eclipse Season. Great. Thanks, Universe.
I’ve dreamt about my ex more than I’d like to, my Grandad being alive but knowing he’s about to die again, my Nan ordering records but not remembering what store she’d bought them from, a hedgehog skinning a mouse (that was particularly disturbing) and last night someone sliced their thumb complete with thumbnail off for reasons I can’t remember. It was like watching a Saw movie.
And they’re just the dreams at the top of my head. I legit think if people could see the dreams I have I’d be locked away.
I digress.
By the time my alarm went off at 8:15am, I genuinely wanted to cry.
the battle between Old Me & future Me
Old me would’ve hit snooze, rolled over, put on an eye mask, and tried to get more sleep. But I’m stepping into a new version of myself — the hottest, happiest, healthiest version. (Full disclosure: I did not feel hot or happy that morning).
I grumpily dragged myself out of bed, half zombie, half headache, and sat on the toilet. That’s when a thought hit me: “Wouldn’t it be lovely to make a coffee and go for a walk?”
Old me was screaming. Absolutely not. Excuse after excuse:
“I’m a zombie!”
“My headache’s getting worse!”
“I need a shower first!”
“I need to be kind to myself after no sleep!”
But the ‘between’ version of me — the version with one foot in who I am and one foot in who I’m choosing to become — remembered a commitment I’d made to myself. A commitment to start the day with a Pilates or Yoga class on Mondays and Wednesdays, and an embodied walk on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
I pulled on yesterday’s gym gear, grabbed my baseball cap to hide the fact it’s hair wash day and slid my sunglasses on to cover my squinting eyes. I made a coffee, pulled up the 26 minute Shifting Identities Walking Meditation inside The Breath Channel (affiliate link), put my headphones on and left the house.
The Walk That Changed Everything
The sky was full of cotton wool clouds with the sun shining brightly through, as the birds were chirping in the bushes. Within a minute, a little Robin showed up — which if you’re into signs from the dead, is often seen as a loved one saying hello. The fact my Grandad’s middle name was Robin tells me it was him. This made me smile and I congratulated myself for doing the thing I really didn’t want to do.
As I got into the walk, listening to the guidance in the walking meditation, I thought to myself how lucky I am that I have the ability to wake up and take a walk when I want to.
There’s no time limit I need to follow
I don’t have to be in an office for a certain time
My legs are relatively strong and healthy
And compared to many places in the world, especially at the moment, it’s safe for me to go for a stroll on my own. These are things I take for granted regularly.
I used to have a pretty solid gratitude practice, particularly when I was living abroad and could see dolphins from my balcony. But I’ve found myself getting so caught up in where I’m not lately, mixed with almost a year of grief, that I’ve forgotten how important it is to me to reflect on all the things I’m grateful for. I’m blessed, in many, many ways. And yes, I’ve been having a really shitty time of late AND I still have so much to be grateful for.
Grief and gratitude can coexist. And the walk I didn’t want to go on reminded me of that.
The Power of Micro-Wins
After the meditation had finished, I switched to Spotify and queued up my fave songs from Lola Young’s new album (Not Like That Anymore, d£ealer, F**K EVERYONE and SPIDERS, if you were wondering).
By the time I arrived back at my front door, I felt like a new person.
I took my speaker into the bathroom, stepped into the shower and had a karaoke session for one as I washed my hair. I dried myself off, applied my skincare, pulled on a cosy outfit complete with fluffy socks, and left my freshly washed hair to dry naturally.
After I’d made coffee number two, I sat down and wrote my Substack newsletter which I then used as inspiration for the podcast episode (that’s now become this blog post). That meant before noon, I could tick off four things that I was proud of:
My hot girl walk
Shower & self-care session
Writing to my audience
Recording a podcast
So even if I’d finished recording the podcast and decided “You know what? Fuck the rest of the day, I’m going back to bed”, I’d still have that sense of fulfillment. Feeling fulfilled makes me feel successful, which naturally lifts my mood.
Success isn’t only about huge achievements; it’s about stacking small wins.
Even small things like:
Making your bed
Drinking your coffee outside
Putting on your favourite song and dancing
Not skipping your skincare routine
…they matter. They create a sense of accomplishment that makes you feel good, proud, inspired, energised. We get so caught up in the “big wins” we forget about all our micro-achievements.
what happens when you do the thing you don’t want to do
Whilst yes, I still felt tired and my headache hadn’t vanished, my perspective had shifted and my mood had improved. I’d reminded myself that I’m capable of showing up, even when I don’t feel like it. I’d shown myself I could be the person who:
Honours her promises of a hot girl walk, even when she doesn’t want to
Finds time to practice gratitude for the little things again
Prioritises her self-care over rushing into work
Chooses her future self over the excuses of her current self
Stays committed to becoming the hottest, happiest, healthiest version of herself
And yes, still a zombie. But a proud, caffeinated, empowered zombie who’d moved one step closer to the version of herself she’s choosing to become.
Hi, I’m Becka, a single 34 year old who doesn’t have kids and lives at home with her mum, and despite society’s desperate attempts, I don’t feel behind. I’m figuring out my 30s without believing I need to “get my shit together” in order to be successful or seen as valuable.
If you’re done feeling behind or like you’re “not enough,” this is your reminder you’re exactly where you need to be, and we’re in it together. Get a front row seat to how I’m building a confident life in my 30s (and how you can too) here.
Old me would’ve hit snooze, rolled over, put on an eye mask, and tried to get more sleep. But I’m stepping into a new version of myself — the hottest, happiest, healthiest version. (Full disclosure: I did not feel hot or happy that morning). I grumpily dragged myself out of bed when a thought hit me: “Wouldn’t it be lovely to make a coffee and go for a walk?” Old me was screaming. Absolutely not. But the ‘between’ version of me remembered a commitment I’d made to myself.