How To Be Happy In Your Own Skin After a Divorce in Your 30s

Last year, I got a message on Instagram from someone going through a divorce. They wanted to feel confident in themselves again, navigate dating without attachment issues, and—most importantly—not need another person’s attention to feel wanted.

So in this post, I’m sharing exactly what I would do in their situation. If you're struggling with self-confidence after a breakup or divorce, keep reading to shift your mindset and reclaim your power.

The Message That Started It All

Here’s what they wrote:

Hi, I'm 34, I was married with two kids and had been in an unhappy relationship for eight years. Now single for two years, I've been dating but realising I need to deal with some attachment issues. I'm struggling to be happy on my own, probably because I feel like a failure as my marriage broke down and I'm living with my parents until we sort out our family home.

What would you suggest as the best thing to do for someone who wants to find happiness in their own skin and not feel they need [another person’s] attention to feel confident and wanted? I hope this makes sense. I really want a relationship when the time is right.

First of all, I just want to acknowledge how powerful it is that this person is aware of their attachment issues and desires to work on them. Awareness is always the first step to change. A lot of people go through life ignoring their patterns, so the fact that they’re even asking these questions is incredible.

Shifting the "Failure" Mindset

One of the biggest things standing in your way right now is the belief that getting divorced and moving back in with your parents makes you a failure. And I need you to hear this:

You are NOT a failure.

Society, the media, and even the opinions of others might try to tell you otherwise, but the reality is, ending an unhappy marriage is one of the bravest things you can do. Staying in a situation that no longer serves you? That’s what’ll truly rob you of your happiness.

Here’s a little perspective shift for you:

• Around 42% of marriages in the UK end in divorce: You are far from alone in this experience. It’s not a personal failing—it’s life.

• Decades ago, divorce was nearly impossible: People stayed in miserable marriages because they had no other choice—especially women, who often weren’t financially independent. Nowadays, we have the ability to choose happiness over suffering. That’s a privilege, not a failure.

• Your kids will not see you as a failure: As someone who experienced their parents’ divorce, I can tell you that, while it was tough, their separation was the best thing for our family. Children pick up on tension and resentment, and staying in an unhappy marriage doesn’t protect them—it only prolongs the stress. Your kids will see you choosing happiness and stability, and that will benefit them in the long run.

How to Find Happiness in Your Own Skin (Without Needing Someone Else’s Attention)

You asked how to find happiness within yourself without relying on a partner to make you feel wanted. We’re going to break this down into two key parts: creating happiness for yourself and being your own source of validation.

1. Bring More Joy Into Your Life (Without a Partner)

Ask yourself: What can I do for myself that brings me joy?

This doesn’t have to be anything extravagant—no need for a month-long solo trip to Bali (unless that’s what you want, in which case, go for it). It’s about creating small, daily moments of happiness that add up to a joyful life overall.

Some ideas:

• Romanticise the shit out of your life: Turn everyday moments into something special. Make your morning coffee feel like a ritual. Soak up the sunset. Light a candle in the evening and put on music.

• Create small pockets of joy: Whether it's a gym session, cooking a meal you love, or watching your favourite show—find those tiny moments that make your day better.

• Try new things: Pick up a hobby, learn a skill, or do something outside your comfort zone. When you challenge yourself and grow, your confidence naturally increases.

2. Be Your Own Source of Validation

Right now, you’re seeking external validation from dating and relationships. The goal is to shift that so you become the one validating yourself. Here’s how:

• Start telling yourself you look amazing: Look in the mirror and say, I look fucking great today. Seriously, do it. The more you hype yourself up, the more you’ll start to believe it.

• Move your body: Whether it’s the gym, a run, or a walk—exercise isn’t just about looks; it’s about mental clarity and feeling strong in your own skin.

• Celebrate every small win: Finished a tough work project? Pat yourself on the back. Had a great conversation? Acknowledge it. Get used to cheering yourself on instead of waiting for someone else to do it.

• Take yourself on solo dates: Go out for coffee, see a movie alone, or book yourself a fancy dinner. Show yourself that you are worthy of effort and care, even without a partner.

• Push yourself out of your comfort zone: Confidence comes from taking action. Try new experiences, meet new people, and prove to yourself that you can handle anything.

You’re not broken

Rebuilding confidence after divorce isn’t about “fixing” yourself—it’s about reconnecting with yourself. You’re not broken. You’re not a failure. You’re just in the middle of a transition, and transitions are always uncomfortable before they’re empowering.

So focus on:

• Shifting your mindset around divorce and failure

• Creating daily moments of happiness for yourself

• Being your own biggest source of validation

And trust that when the time is right, you’ll find love again—not because you need it, but because you’re already happy on your own, and anything else is just a bonus.

Need more confidence tips for dating? Check out The Date with Confidence Podcast.

And remember: you are already enough.

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Rebecca Hawkes is a Confidence Coach, content creator & podcaster dedicated to helping you step into your most powerful, unapologetic self so you can finally live your life feeling confident af throughout your 30s and beyond. It’s time for you to raise your standards and become the love of your life so you never settle for “ok” in any area of your life again. Sign up to BTS with Becka for your exclusive pass to my behind-the-scenes mindset shifts, confidence tips and real-life lessons.

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